Stages of Grief

As I have been at this conference, no longer involved so intensely in the daily care of J, like so many who have been reading this, at the mercy of someone else to tell me what is happening, I've been surprised to see what my feelings have been about the lymphoma.  The dominant feeling is disbelief. It's hard to believe all that has happened over the last 10 weeks.  Did he really go through all those surgeries?  Has he really taken more medications than I have in my entire life?  This is true even if we exclude the chemotherapy specific medications.  All the other medications he has needed are far more than I have ever taken.  Is his hair really gone?  Is he really at risk of life-threatening infections right this moment?  Has he really missed school every day since the mass was found and will miss the rest of the school year?  Is this a dream I will eventually wake up from?


The stages of grief are fairly well known:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  It's important to realize a few things about the stages of grief.  First and foremost, it is not intended to be universal or linear.  You don't first experience denial, then become angry, then make bargains, become depressed, and finally come to the nirvana of acceptance and suddenly you are healed of pain.  Nor should you think that if you are not going through each and every one of these stages of grief that you are doing it incorrectly.  Someone may be prone to acceptance, and later become angry or experience denial.  They may never return to acceptance, or they may.  The stages won't predict that.   Rather, these are observations of common feelings people have when faced with death or terminal illness of a loved one.  But even then, it's probably too limiting.  People can feel grief in any number of life situations.

Right now I am finally experiencing some of the denial.  It hasn't been an intense refusal to believe that it is happening, but rather a surreal feeling as I have taken a step away from being so closely involved.  Mom has said on other occasions that she couldn't believe this was happening.  Things like this happen to others, not us.  We are not disconnected from the reality that it IS happening to us, but nonetheless, a feeling of denial.

I have not felt anger, except perhaps a little at myself for misinterpreting symptoms along the way, but not really.  I have not been aware of anger from Mom.  I have not been aware of anger from J either.  It is possible that they have felt it, but I have not been aware of it.  Happily, I don't think anyone has been the recipient of anger related to this.

Bargaining.  I have had times where I have wished that I could take the pain from J, and that I would happily take it myself.  That somehow it could be transferred and it would somehow make things better.  Maybe if they took me to surgery instead of J.

Depression.  I'll have to really think as to whether or not I have felt depression.  This could range from a clinical depression that probably needs professional help, to milder forms, maybe loss of interest in things I previously found enjoyable.  Definitely depressed energy levels.  Maybe it's depression that has been the cause of nervous eating.

Acceptance.  I think this is predominantly how I have felt during this ordeal, but maybe I have confused distraction with acceptance.

The stages of grief can be helpful, not in directing our feelings, but in understanding our feelings, and in understanding the feelings of others who are also grieving.  If I get irrationally angry, that's a pretty normal response.  If I take it out on others who are not deserving of my anger, that's pretty normal too.  Hopefully realizing that can help me to not take out anger on those who are innocent bystanders, but maybe it will just help that person forgive me.  If I'm feeling acceptance, but Mom is feeling denial, it can be very helpful to realize that each person experiences grief differently.  I must avoid the thought that somehow I'm doing a better job with my grief than she is, or that she needs to get on with it.  If anything, I should become more compassionate as she goes through a more difficult aspect of grief.  I know that relationships can become very tense when people are experiencing different stages of grief, but don't have the insight to realize that it is OK to experience it differently.  This can be seen in both directions.  The depressed child may resent the surviving spouse who accepts what has happened.  The accepting father may criticize the bargaining mother.  We need to take a step back from our own grief and show compassion before judgment.

Grief can definitely become a self-destructive process.  We may be tempted with the idea that since we know the five stages of grief, we can move somebody through their grief.  Maybe what it really means is that sometimes people will need professional help.  We can be supportive, but let someone who is professional prescribe interventions to help deter self-destruction.

Lastly, don't suppose that just because someone has come to acceptance, that pain is gone.  The pain of loss never has to leave.  Like so many other pains that we can experience, the goal is usually to help get the pain to a tolerable state.  A pain free life is probably not a realistic expectation, especially when we are  concerned with intense emotional loss.